Lifetiquing

I can't avoid them. There they are, screaming at me in unison with their garishly colored covers and vapid, recycled headlines. "Shrink your butt now!" they exclaim, because apparently, I'm supposed to want a figure like the 90 pound model on the front cover (yes, the one whose hips have been airbrushed off). "Sex secrets that will titillate your man," they scream, because without Cosmo's expert advice, my partners will run off, sex-starved and unfulfilled, into the seductive arms of a savvy Cosmolite. "The must-have trend in handbags," they shout, because if I want my left shoulder to have the permanent, grand societal standing that it deserves, all that is required is that I part with my measly graduate student paycheck- that is, until Glamour recommends next month's bag. "Must-know beauty tips," they offer, because beauty is only as deep as the inches of foundation you pour on your face. Of course, there's always the "Does he really love you?" quiz, because relationship success is a mystery that has been unraveled solely by the astute and gifted staff at Allure, and has nothing to do with self-awareness or communication with my partner. 

I watch other shoppers' eyes catch on the magazines when I'm standing in line, and I am ashamed. I am ashamed because those magazines are the voice of the women in my generation, and what they're saying- no, screaming in bright, bold, knowing letters- is that we are self-doubting, insecure, shallow and flighty. We are capable of delving no deeper into our relationships than is required to lure our boyfriends into buying us the requisite Valentine's Day gifts, capable of planning nothing more complex than a bridal shower with creative pink origami decorations, and capable of feeling nothing more sensual than a bachelorette party complete with plastic penises. Our collective self esteem could fit into one of those cute little advertised tampon cases; our intelligence is best put to use by marrying the man of our dreams- the college degree is just enough so he doesn't feel too superior. (We're all about gender equality, as long as the man continues to pay.)

Where are the rest of us? Over half of bachelor's degrees are now granted to women- where are their representatives? Half of medical students are now female- what magazines are they reading? But then again, it's just a proven business model, and women have not yet wised up to it. A magazine that did not chide you for being needy, unfulfilled, imperfect and unattractive wouldn't be able to advertise and sell an endless parade of miraculous products to save you, would it?